Bottled feelings

Dear Diary(maybe not), 

Imperfection— being imperfect is what makes one perfect.

Everyone have their own flaws; they have their own ways to keep themselves distracted from pain. That simple adrenaline rush can make one fall in love in just 1 second, or what they call it "love at first sight".

Firstly, I apologize if there are any spelling or grammatical errors as I'm typing this at 2am in the morning.

I don't really like the idea of "love at first sight" because what matters me the most are personality and heart otherwise. It's him.

I remember telling and having to promise myself not to fall hard for him, but I did a grave mistake by not keeping my promise. I end up falling for him hard, really hard. The question now is, why?

He saved me. How? I was into suicide, I know I'm not suppose to be proud to say this out. But no, since when have I ever been proud of having a wish to kill myself and having thoughts of leaving and run away?

He was my motivation. He was the reason why I put my blades away. Like galvanization[to coat a layer of zinc on steel/iron to prevent rust] in terms of chemistry, he gave me a sense of happiness—coating me with his laughters, smiles and words — to prevent sadness.

And then that's why I fell hard for him. His personality lead my mentality to more improvements. Without knowing, I was digging my own grave.

Remember the promise I made? The promise to not fall for him hard? I fell—into a deep hole— and I couldn't find an escape uptill now. He was in love with her, and I know I shouldn't be in love with him. I know where I should stand but yet I lead myself inside this dark hole where my past is haunting me again.

I got sad again. I feel guilty. I know I should be happy because he's finally rewarded with someone he love by god. 

"You should be happy with him."

"But they're both a good match"

"Shouldn't you be happy"

Phrases i hear every single time I spill my bottled feelings.

It doesn't help, instead, it makes me feel guilty. It makes my sadness engulfs me again. 

The fact that I lied to everyone, saying my lungs are normal is already one lie I'm proud of. No. I'm not okay. I was born unhealthy. What am I suppose to do? It's under god's hand and I can't change the fact that my lungs are filled with water that aren't suppose to be there.

It's unfair how I can't be accepted into sports, how my napfa(physical education test) results is basically "not applicable" because I can't do vigorous activities. I want to do sports like others too, and I want to be healthy like others too.

Then I realized, he was suffering more than me. He could've been crying at night but he can't be with his parents by his side. But now, someone else can watch him, be close to him and give love to him whenever he's sad or yearning some love from his family.

I admit, even though I'm surrounded by friends, i feel lonely. Lonely. My heart felt empty. Just recently, mom accidentally spilt that I've been suffering pneumonia(lung inflammation caused by bacterial or viral infection, in which the air sacs fill with pus and may become solid.) ever since i'm young. I never told anyone until one day, I lost myself and decided to tell multiple of people who actually have been there for me when I'm at my worst. But i can't lie anymore right?

Now, it's time. Time for me to let go of him. He's my savior. My knight in the shining armour. Are you curious about who 'he' is? 

He's someone I love both gratefully and great-fully. Someone who I finally have to let go of because he deserves to be happy. It's never easy to let go right? It has been 4 months since i had been trying to give up on seeing both of them together. 

It's too difficult to hold on. But what can I do? I'm in no position nor do I have powers to do anything. 

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

— Martin Luther King Jr."

I love you, you.